I got pranked so hard this morning. My g/f, Sara, sends me this photo, says she received it last night, demanding to know who this woman is, and freaking the fuck out.

(A) I was alone last night, (B) I’m not a cheater, and (C) I don’t even recognize the woman.

So I’m in full-on panic mode, especially after several stalker-esque emails I’ve been receiving, AND all of my underwear disappeared from my home recently (not even kidding). I’m physically shaking because someone has taken the casual-stalking a bit too far, there were strangers in my room while I slept, and my love hates me and thinks I cheated.

After much dedicated jealous & angry acting on Sara’s part, I find out that she and her friend, Jackie, had snuck into the house around 4am and took the photo (I didn’t recognize Jackie in the pic) without waking me with their giggling (I was snoring pretty hard), and left.

So hard.
I was pranked so, so hard.

Sara: 1
Nathan: 0

The students are cool, but I’m sick of dealing with the occasional hyper-P.C.-parents who are in denial and think their teens need to be sheltered from innuendo, humor, and LIFE.

I talk to the students like they’re real people because – guess what? – they are.

Your teens have brains, damn good senses of humor, and – like it or not – they’re messing around with their significant others.  They’re smart.  Deal with it.  They’re funny.  Deal with it.  They know what sex is.  Deal with it.  They have opinions, personalities, and life experiences.  Deal with it.  They’re PEOPLE, goddamn it.  DEAL. WITH. IT.

Don’t write me angry letters because I respect them enough to NOT insult their intelligence and NOT treat them like 5-year-olds.  Don’t blame me for your inability to cope with the fact that Little Johnny and Little Jennifer have grown up.

I’m done with the complaints, I’m done with the angry letters, I’m done responding to decisions I didn’t make and shit I didn’t do.  I’m done with this petty, small-minded drama.  I’m done with post-prom parties.

The most frustrating thing about this “break up” is that most schools are really cool.  The EXACT SAME MATERIAL that gets complaints, also gets reviews like this:

“The kids loved your show – they were still buzzing about it on Monday!”
Caledonia High School; Caledonia, Minnesota

“It was very funny, cool, and entertaining! I really enjoyed the show.”
Fennimore Post Prom; Fennimore, Wisconsin

“Thanks! The night was a big hit!”
Jesup High School Post Prom; Jesup, Iowa

“Dynamic… Nathan has the ability to improvise, right with the audience… He shined on the stage. Nathan’s range and abilities are outstanding.”
John R. Mott High School; Postville, Iowa

“We thought a hypnotist would be missed – Not true. Excellent job. Many positive comments from all the adults present. There wasn’t one negative comment made about your show. We, the parents, thought you did an excellent job. Student response was just as favorable. Really like the audience participation – Kids did too! Thank you so much!”
River Ridge High School; Patch Grove, Wisconsin

“The kids loved the show – lots of positive comments. You kept them involved and interested, which is hard to do at 2 AM. I got to see part of the show and loved it. I would recommend you to others – it is hard to find a show that is a lot of fun, but still appropriate for teens. Great job!”
Sumner / Fredericksburg High School; Sumner, Iowa

“The students gave Nathan rave reviews.  Besides the show being a super event for students, Nathan is a dream to work with. I have also seen Nathan’s show when he has performed for adults, and it too was fantastically funny and engaging. I highly recommend Nathan to anyone who is looking for high-quality, professional, humorous entertainment.”
Valley Community School District; Elkader, Iowa

I repeat:  the exact same material that gets reviews like that, ALSO gets complaints from some people.

The. Exact. Same. Material.

Unfortunately, there’s no way to know in advance WHICH schools are going to have those sheltered, holier-than-thou parents who think a 17 year old is going to be psychologically damaged by an innuendo.

The fun-hating prudes are NOT the majority, by any means, but even ONE person complaining and gossiping about how I’m “corrupting the kids” and “being inappropriate in front of high-schoolers” can do major damage.  And you know how gossip works; I actually showed up to one school this year to be greeted with an accusation of an activity that would have had me thrown in prison, had it been true: “I heard, last week, at <XYZ> school, you pulled down your pants during the show.”  Um… What now?!

I had another parent this year try to chastise me for having a piercing because “men shouldn’t have those and the kids shouldn’t see it.”  I shit you not.

It’s enough to make me want to rip out my (already thinning) hair!

All of that other bullshit aside, why would you hire ME if what you really want is “Silly Willy The Birthday Clown”?  I mean, I’m called “The Maniac of Magic.”  My tagline is “Part Magician, Part Comedian, Totally Dysfunctional.”  I have a ‘Parental Advisory’ logo right at the top of my website, for fuck’s sake.

Let me get this straight: You seek out an entertainer who performs “adult humor,” you assure said entertainer that you really do want “adult humor,” you sign a contract that clearly states the show will contain “adult humor,” and then bitch when you get “adult humor”?!  Really?!  Are you fucking retarded?!

Again, the majority of post-prom shows over the past decade have been a lot of fun, and I’m going to miss doing those.  But a couple bad apples have ruined the entire barrel.

I’m done risking my reputation and sanity – and done wasting my time reading and responding to hate mail – because some self-righteous pricks thought their kids had never heard the word “damn” until I visited their back-assward village.

I’m done being the convenient scapegoat for puritan parents’ denialist issues and inability to deal with reality.

I’m done with post-prom parties.

///***drops microphone on floor, flips the bird, and walks away***///

(And, no, I did not make this video – I stumbled across it on iTricks.com)

All I have to do… is stop calling every day, begging to be on television.

And they, in return… will drop the harassment charges.

…
…
…

Yeah, it was just a joke.  ;)  But I totally get a +1 Internets for making you click.

I’ve been chatting with THIS little guy, and we’re working on a pretty decent act for the show. He’s going to (A) magically appear, and then (B) read someone’s mind.

Might put him in the show as early as this weekend.

To protect his privacy, though, he says he wants a “stage name” – Any suggestions, folks?

I had no choice but to fire him. He has had a very poor attitude as of late, which created a hostile work environment.

Granted, I did accidentally crush his favorite cage, but I apologized and offered to buy him a new one; he just gave me the silent treatment. Ever since then, he refused to speak to me, and refused to leave his cage. He just sat in there, silently sulking.

When I informed him that I would no longer be needing his services, he just stared at me in a threatening manner. He ignored my requests for him to leave – I had to physically remove him from the house.

He still hasn’t left the property. He’s still out there on the sidewalk, staring at me through the window (see photo, below). I think he’s trying to intimidate me. And, honestly, it’s working. I fear for my safety. There’s no telling what a disgruntled ex-employee will do – especially one who so obviously didn’t like me to begin with.

Do you think I should call the authorities?

Friday, April 26, 2013
The Dirty Jokes & Magic Tricks Show
with Jeremy ‘Jer-Dog’ Danley 
and Nathan Allen ‘The Maniac of Magic’
with special guest, Harville
The Junction Restaurant & Lounge
28840 Missouri 19, Perry, MO 63462
The insanity starts at 9:30pm
For tickets or more info, call 573-565-3620, or visit The Junction’s Facebook event page: https://www.facebook.com/events/508521005851721/
For more info about the show and performers, visit http://DirtyJokesAndMagicTricks.com

Tomorrow night (Friday), my sick-and-twisted buddy, Harville, and I will be doing an open-to-the-public show in eastern Iowa… If you’re near that area, make the trek over to Wheatland to have a drink or three, and witness the sweaty, neurotic trainwreck that is our show. It’s gonna be fun. If you haven’t had the pleasure of witnessing Harville live, you must do it… as long as you’re not easily offended. By anything. Like – ANY.THING.

Details here:
http://maniacofmagic.com/2013/02/07/live-public-show-friday-april-12-2013-wheatland-iowa/

Ta-ta for now.

I understand that a lot of magicians are all butt-hurt over the new “Burt Wonderstone” film because magicians are being portrayed as cheesy, corny, and socially awkward.

Look, you humorless twats: stereotypes about magicians came from SOMEWHERE, and I’ll bet my left nut that if YOU are upset by this, you are EXACTLY who the film was making fun of.

Smash all your sparkly magic boxes, use the wood to build a bridge, and get over it… because if you can’t laugh at yourself, the rest of us will gladly do it for you.

That is all.

Sincerely,
Nathan Allen

P.S.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Denialism

At a glance:
Sunday, February 17, 2013
The 13th Step
1607 Sycamore Street, Waterloo, Iowa
The insanity starts at 8:00 PM
For more info, call 319-232-6161

THE MANIAC OF MAGIC IS COMING TO WATERLOO

Waterloo, Iowa – Part magician, part comedian, and totally dysfunctional, Nathan Allen will be bringing his highly-caffeinated blend of magic and comedy to Waterloo! Allen (dubbed “The Maniac of Magic” by his peers) will be making a stop at The 13th Step (1607 Sycamore Street) on Sunday, February 17th. The adult-only show will start at 8:00pm.

Yes, Nathan Allen is a magician, but don’t be fooled – you will see NO tuxedo and NO sparkly boxes in this show. Instead, Nathan combines his twisted sense of humor, sleight-of-hand magic skills, and hilarious audience participation into one of the very few magic shows on the face of the planet that is both geared for adults AND funny.

The best trick up Nathan’s sleeve is his ability to connect with a crowd, and it’s a trick he can pull off whether he is at a corporate event or a biker bar. With a knack for being a bit naughty and tons of fun, without being offensive, Nathan’s personality-driven performances have been described as “Edgy, funny comedy and magic at its best” (Naturally Funny Entertainment; Chicago, IL), “Funny, fast-moving, unique, and very entertaining!” (Vetesnik Power Sports; Richland Center, WI), and “Action packed, funny, and unpredictable!” (Iowa Emergency Management Association; Des Moines, IA).

The International Brotherhood of Magicians recently presented Nathan with the Iowa Magic Award, based on his technical skills and entertainment value. He is the only magician ever featured in “The Grassroots Comedy Tour” and “The Dirty Jokes & Magic Tricks Show”. His entertainment services won him a full-ride business scholarship to attend college. Of the dozens of magicians in Iowa, Nathan was the only one selected to perform onstage at Iowa Governor Culver‘s Inaugural Gala. He has appeared on international television on TV3, broadcast from the United Kingdom, and has been seen here in the USA on NBC, ABC, and PBS television news programs. And yet, in a typical example of his priorities, he insists that he is most proud of being elected Class Clown.

More than just something out of thin air, Nathan’s slow-but-steady rise in the entertainment industry is the result of a 15-year, love-hate obsession with his work. He started learning magic when he was only 8 years old and did his first paid performance when he was just 12. Now, at the age of 28, Nathan has a long list of performances under his belt, for companies including 3M, Alliant Energy, Charter Communications, Honda, RadioShack, Swiss Valley Farms, and Wal-Mart, to name just a few.

Nathan is based out of Des Moines, Iowa. He drinks way too much coffee, and in his spare time, he enjoys arguing with the television… when it’s turned off.

For more information about who Nathan is and what he does, visit him on the web at ManiacOfMagic.com. For more details about Sunday’s show in Waterloo, call The 13th Step at 319-232-6161, or visit them on the web at http://www.facebook.com/TheThirteenthStep.

At a glance:
Friday, April 12, 2013
Desperado’s Bar & Grill
112 South Main Street, Wheatland, IA
Featuring the sick & twisted comedy of Harville!
The insanity starts at 8:00pm
For more info, call Desperado’s at 563-374-3366

THE MANIAC OF MAGIC IS COMING TO WHEATLAND

WHEATLAND, IOWA – Part magician, part comedian, and totally dysfunctional, Nathan Allen will be bringing his highly-caffeinated blend of magic and comedy to Wheatland! Allen (dubbed “The Maniac of Magic” by his peers) will be making a stop at Desperado’s Bar & Grill (112 S. Main St.) on Friday, April 12th. The adult-only show will start at 8:00pm.

Yes, Nathan Allen is a magician, but don’t be fooled – you will see NO tuxedo and NO sparkly boxes in this show. Instead, Nathan combines his twisted sense of humor, sleight-of-hand magic skills, and hilarious audience participation into one of the very few magic shows on the face of the planet that is both geared for adults AND funny.

The best trick up Nathan’s sleeve is his ability to connect with a crowd, and it’s a trick he can pull off whether he is at a corporate event or a biker bar. With a knack for being a bit naughty and tons of fun, without being offensive, Nathan’s personality-driven performances have been described as “Edgy, funny comedy and magic at its best” (Naturally Funny Entertainment; Chicago, IL), “Funny, fast-moving, unique, and very entertaining!” (Vetesnik Power Sports; Richland Center, WI), and “Action packed, funny, and unpredictable!” (Iowa Emergency Management Association; Des Moines, IA).

The International Brotherhood of Magicians recently presented Nathan with the Iowa Magic Award, based on his technical skills and entertainment value. He is the only magician ever featured in “The Grassroots Comedy Tour” and “The Dirty Jokes & Magic Tricks Show”. His entertainment services won him a full-ride business scholarship to attend college. Of the dozens of magicians in Iowa, Nathan was the only one selected to perform onstage at Iowa Governor Culver‘s Inaugural Gala. He has appeared on international television on TV3, broadcast from the United Kingdom, and has been seen here in the USA on NBC, ABC, and PBS television news programs. And yet, in a typical example of his priorities, he insists that he is most proud of being elected Class Clown.

More than just something out of thin air, Nathan’s slow-but-steady rise in the entertainment industry is the result of a 15-year, love-hate obsession with his work. He started learning magic when he was only 8 years old and did his first paid performance when he was just 12. Now, at the age of 29, Nathan has a long list of performances under his belt, for companies including 3M, Alliant Energy, Charter Communications, Honda, RadioShack, Swiss Valley Farms, and Wal-Mart, to name just a few.

Nathan is based out of Des Moines, Iowa. He drinks way too much coffee, and in his spare time, he enjoys arguing with the television… when it’s turned off.

Friday’s show will feature the sick and twisted comedy of a special guest, stand-up comic HARVILLE!

For more information about who Nathan is and what he does, visit him on the web at ManiacOfMagic.com. For more details about Friday’s show in Wheatland, call Desperado’s at 563-374-3366.

At a glance:
Friday, February 15, 2013
The Crosby Place
120 North Crosby Avenue, Janesville, Wisconsin
The Comedy and Magic Valentine Dinner Show
Featuring the sick & twisted comedy of Harville!
Doors open at 6:00 / Dinner at 7:00 / Show starts at 8:00.
For tickets or more info: 608-756-3500

~

THE MANIAC OF MAGIC IS COMING TO JANESVILLE, WISCONSIN

Janesville – Part magician, part comedian, and totally dysfunctional, Nathan Allen will be bringing his highly-caffeinated blend of magic and comedy to Janesville! Allen (dubbed “The Maniac of Magic” by his peers) will be making a stop at The Crosby Place on Friday, February 15th, as part of “The Comedy and Magic Valentine Dinner Show” hosted by The Crosby Place. Doors will open at 6:00pm for social hour, dinner will be served at 7:00pm, and the adult-only show will start at 8:00pm.

Part magician, part comedian, and totally dysfunctional, Nathan Allen performs a highly-caffeinated blend of magic and comedy!

Yes, Nathan Allen is a magician, but don’t be fooled – you will see NO tuxedo and NO sparkly boxes in this show. Instead, Nathan combines his twisted sense of humor, sleight-of-hand magic skills, and hilarious audience participation into one of the very few magic shows on the face of the planet that is both geared for adults AND funny.

The best trick up Nathan’s sleeve is his ability to connect with a crowd, and it’s a trick he can pull off whether he is at a corporate event or a biker bar. With a knack for being a bit naughty and tons of fun, without being offensive, Nathan’s personality-driven performances have been described as “Edgy, funny comedy and magic at its best” (Naturally Funny Entertainment; Chicago, IL), “Funny, fast-moving, unique, and very entertaining!” (Vetesnik Power Sports; Richland Center, WI), and “Action packed, funny, and unpredictable!” (Iowa Emergency Management Association; Des Moines, IA).

The International Brotherhood of Magicians recently presented Nathan with the Iowa Magic Award, based on his technical skills and entertainment value. He is the only magician ever featured in “The Grassroots Comedy Tour” and “The Dirty Jokes & Magic Tricks Show”. His entertainment services won him a full-ride business scholarship to attend college. Of the dozens of magicians in Iowa, Nathan was the only one selected to perform onstage at Iowa Governor Culver‘s Inaugural Gala. He has appeared on international television on TV3, broadcast from the United Kingdom, and has been seen here in the USA on NBC, ABC, and PBS television news programs. And yet, in a typical example of his priorities, he insists that he is most proud of being elected Class Clown.

More than just something out of thin air, Nathan’s slow-but-steady rise in the entertainment industry is the result of a 15-year, love-hate obsession with his work. He started learning magic when he was only 8 years old and did his first paid performance when he was just 12. Now, at the age of 28, Nathan has a long list of performances under his belt, for companies including 3M, Alliant Energy, Charter Communications, Honda, RadioShack, Swiss Valley Farms, and Wal-Mart, to name just a few.

Nathan is based out of Des Moines, Iowa. He drinks way too much coffee, and in his spare time, he enjoys arguing with the television… when it’s turned off.

The show will feature an opening act – the sick & twisted comedy of Harville, a crowd favorite across the Midwest.

For more information about who Nathan is and what he does, visit him on the web at ManiacOfMagic.com. For more details about the February 15th show in Janesville, call The Crosby Place at 608-756-3500, or visit them on the web at http://TheCrosbyPlace.com/.

“The Amish Comedy Hour”
by Jeremy “Jer-Dog” Danley
Originally posted at: http://jerdogondemand.wordpress.com/2013/01/25/the-amish-comedy-hour/

Here’s something you’ll never hear anyone say: “Hey! Let’s go to South Dakota for the weekend!”

About 2 weeks ago, the inaugural tour of “The Dirty Jokes and Magic Tricks Show” was launched from Ames, Iowa, when I picked up my friend and co-star Nathan Allen “The Maniac of Magic” and headed for Deadwood, South Dakota. Along the way, I discovered what happens when traveling 10 hours with a magician- all your weed will disappear. Which, in retrospect, was unfortunate, because the gig we were headed to would prove to be quite the challenge.

Our first stop was actually at Lowes hardware store to pick up razor blades for one of Nathan’s bits. He chews a half dozen razor blades and then ties them all together with dental floss, inside his mouth! I always knew Nathan was a freak, but didn’t realize how much so, until he started talking about ramming nails up his nose. I had visions of blood spraying everywhere as we rode to SD, and the last thing I needed was the inside of my van looking like a maxi-pad.

Nathan is also always practicing misdirection and sleight of hand, so for the entire tour, I had to keep my hand on my wallet like I was walking thru the south side of Chicago.

We finally arrived at the casino in Deadwood, where the gig was to take place. We were performing for the General Contractors Association of South Dakota, a crowd of almost 400 people. Nathan crushed it for over 40 mins. The crowd was raring to go, and after a quick intermission, it was my turn to take the stage. Little did anyone know, disaster was about to strike…

For the first 10 minutes of my set, I was killing with the usual assortment of my beer and dick jokes. Then, out of nowhere… Just like the scene from Ocean’s 11… All the power in the casino went out. As in completely… I was left performing to a group of nearly 400 contractors with no sound, no microphone, no lights, and nearly 45 minutes left to go in my set.

It was time for The Amish Comedy Hour!

Most comedians would have bailed.

But as you know, I’m a skilled improviser, and I know that the best comedy comes from tragedy. As the front few rows of the audience held up their smartphones with the camera flash on to help illuminate the stage, I proceeded to rail on the casino for not paying their power bill. “I took this gig because I needed the money… And apparently so does the casino.”

Eventually I went into my regularly scheduled material while one of the contractors brought in a giant flashlight to shine on the stage. My co-star in the Dirty Jokes and Magic Tricks show sat in the front row and captured the entire thing on video.

Finally, at the very end of my set, right as I was impersonating my wife receiving a new vibrator as a gift, yelling out “Hallelujah!”, the power was restored. I delivered my remaining jokes, thanked the crowd, and immediately hit the bar for a much needed (and well-deserved) Jager-bomb.

The next stop on The Dirty Jokes and Magic Tricks Tour was a gay bar in Sioux Falls. A small, but enthusiastic crowd. And the magician I was with disappeared into some sort of contraption called “The Glory Hole”… But that’s another story.

With a friend feeling your strong-and-steady pulse, you appear to fall into a trance-like state.  Your pulse slows dramatically.  Your breathing becomes shallow.  Your pulse slows even more… even… more… and… then…
…STOPS.

Your eyes roll to the back of your head, and you slump forward in your chair, lifeless.  Your friends FREAK.  You have NO PULSE.  You appear DEAD.

As their panic crescedos, your pulse starts up again, slowly at first, then faster and faster until it’s back to normal.

You sit up… smile… and try to decide what to name your new religion.

To download the instructions, CLICK HERE.  This download will only be available for a day or two, so if you want it, get it now.

Update: Sorry, the link has expired.  BUT… Take a look around on my website.  You might just be able to find this available for download somewhere else.

Watch on YouTube

Patriotism should be about caring enough to try to make your country the best it can possibly be, even if this includes criticizing your government when it fucks up and working to correct existing wrongs, especially when what is right is not what is popular.

I’m Nathan Allen, and I approve this message.

Paid for by Nathan Allen For President 2016.

“The Independent Entertainer” is a resource offering guerrilla marketing tips and information for comedians, DJ’s, musicians, magicians, and other performers to take control of their show-biz careers, effectively promote themselves, and get more and better gigs.

So… If you’re NOT an entertainer, you probably won’t care much about this info, but if you ARE an entertainer… get your ass in here (also, sign up for the gig-getting e-course at ComedyBookingSecrets.com).  Do it.  Do it now.

Main topics in this episode include…
(a) what your audiences REALLY care about,
(b) how to get killer, descriptive testimonials,
(c) how to immediately pick up quick and easy gigs, and
(d) why head-shots and bios are overrated.

Also, there’s quite a bit of A.D.D., awkward silences, talking shop, stories you won’t hear anywhere else (vomiting backstage, hitting an 80-year-old lady in the tits with a water-balloon during a show, etc.), and other little interesting tidbits of awesomeness from a couple guys who have been playing this game for a few years.

Listen right here (it’s a bit over an hour long):

Or go to the episode’s page to download it:
http://independententertainer.wordpress.com/2012/11/27/podcast-episode-001-the-one-with-nathan-allen-the-maniac-of-magic/

I think it’d be fun to have her inbox flooded with complete strangers.  :)

Yeah, we have different names.  Our family is just as dysfunctional as yours.  Don’t judge us;  just click and say Happy Birthday:

http://www.facebook.com/carley.looney

…

A baby combing his hair with a potato peeler.

Small, poorly-ventilated workshop…

Forgot what I’m building, exactly, but it’s gonna be awesome.
I can just feel it.

Snapped this photo after a gig, in the middle of the night, in a restaurant parking lot.

Yeah?

Guess who I ran into the other day…