A Few Of My Favorite Jokes

Here are some of the “street” jokes which, when told to me, have made me laugh.  I didn’t write any of these, and none of these are used in my live shows, but I thought a joke page would be fun.
WARNING:  While many of these jokes are pretty innocent, there ARE a few “naughty” jokes sprinkled in here and there.  Just thought you should know.
Enjoy!

Q: Why don’t blind people sky-dive very often?
A:  Because it scares the hell out of the dog.

A man wrote a letter to his son, who was away serving time in prison.  The letter read, “Son, I’m not able to plant potatoes this year.  I’ve become too old to dig up the field.”
The son wrote back: “Dad.  Don’t go near that field.  That’s where I buried all the bodies.”
A few days later, the police showed up at the farm.  They dug up the entire field, but found no bodies, and went away.
The next day, the father receives another letter from his son: “Dad – Hope that helps.  It was the best I could do from in here.”

Q: How can you tell when a cow is angry?
A: It’s all like, “Moo, motherf*(%er.”

Dying husband: “I have something to tell you.”
Wife: “Don’t speak, just rest.”
Husband: “No, I must confess, I had sex with five of your friends.”
Wife: “Shhh. I know. That’s why I poisoned you.”

This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the magician neighbor’s rabbit in his mouth.
The rabbit is filthy, chewed up, and dead. The guy panics, so he takes the rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries its fur and carefully puts the rabbit back into the cage behind the magician’s house, hoping he will think it died of natural causes.
A few days later, the magician is outside and asks the guy, “Did you hear what happened to Presto, my magic rabbit?”
The guy stutters a bit and says, “Um… no… What happened?”
The magician replies, “He died last week. But the really weird thing is, after I buried him, some sick bastard dug him up and put him back in his cage!”

Q:  Why did the baby cross the road?
A:  It didn’t have much of a choice; it was duct-taped to
the chicken.

A man and his wife are awakened in the middle of a winter night by a loud knocking on the front door. The man drags himself out of bed, throws on a robe, and goes downstairs.
He opens the door to find a stranger standing there, in the snow, obviously drunk. “Hi there,” slurs the stranger, “Can you give me a push?”
“No, get lost! It’s the middle of the night and I was in bed,” says the man as he slams the door closed.
When he goes back upstairs his wife says “That wasn’t very nice of you. It’s freezing out there and he needs our help. It would be the right thing to do.”
So the man goes back downstairs. He opens the door, but doesn’t see the stranger. He calls out, “Hey, do you still need a push?”
The man hears the stranger’s voice cry out, “Yes please.”
But it is dark, it is snowing, and the stranger cannot be seen.
The man shouts, “Where are you?”
And the stranger replies, “In your back yard, on the swing.”

Q:  What do you call 10 magicians drowning in a river?
A:  A good start.

One morning, a man walked up to his wife, pinched her on the butt, and said, “You know, if you’d firm this up, you could get rid of your girdle.”
A few minutes later, the man pinched her on her breast and said, “You know, if you firmed these up, you could get rid of your bra.”
Angrily, she reached down, grabbed him between his legs, and said, “You know, if you firmed this up, I could get rid of my boyfriend!”

Old Guy #1:
“I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married. Did you?”
Old Guy #2:
“Not sure. What was her maiden name?”

A tourist walks up to a pirate, who has the stereotypical hook-for-a-hand and an eye-patch.
Tourist:  “How did you lose your hand?”
Pirate:  “I lost it in a swordfight.”
Tourist:  “Oh! Is that how you lost your eye, too?”
Pirate:  “Nope.  That happened when, one day, I looked up, and a seagull crapped in my eye.”
Tourist:  “Seagull crap took out your eye?!”
Pirate:  “Not exactly.  That was the first day I had my new hook.”

Something has always bothered me about the Noah’s Ark story: 40 days on a boat, and they couldn’t even go fishing because there were only two worms.

I went to visit my grandpa. While we were chatting, I ate a couple of the peanuts from a bowl on the coffee table. And then, over the course of an hour, I finished them all off.
As I was leaving, I apologized for eating all of the peanuts.
He says, “That’s alright – since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off ‘em anyway.”

Kid:  “Mommy, why do I keep running around in circles?”
Mom: “Shut up, or I’ll nail your other foot to the floor.”

A drunk was hard-up for beer money, so he walked around the neighborhood, trying to find a job.
The drunk met a man named Frank who said he would pay $20 to have his front porch painted white.  Frank handed the drunk a bucket of white paint and walked around the house to his backyard, laughing. He told his wife what he had done.
“Frank, our porch covers half of the house! You’re so mean,” his wife replied.
30 minutes later, the drunk stumbled around the house into the backyard, and said he had finished the job.
The astonished man handed him a $20 bill, and thanked him for finishing the task so quickly.
“No problem,” was the reply. “Oh, and and by the way, that’s a Ferrari, not a Porsche.”

So…  If vegetable oil comes from squishing vegetables, corn oil comes from squishing corn, and olive oil comes from squishing olives…  Then where does baby oil come from?

Bill woke up the morning after the annual office party with a pounding headache, totally hung-over, and unable to remember the night before.  He stumbled into the kitchen, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
“Kathy,” he moaned, “Tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?”
“Even worse,” she scowled, “You made a complete ass of yourself. You dropped your pants and mooned the entire board of directors, and you gave the finger to the president of the company, right to his face.”
“He’s an idiot,” Bill said, “Piss on him.”
“YOU DID,” said his wife, “And then he fired you.”
“Well, screw him!” said Bill.
“I DID. You start work again on Monday.”

A guy in Wal-Mart buys:
(1) microwave dinner,
(1) six-pack of beer, and
(1) sports-bloopers DVD.
The lady at the checkout looks at him and asks, “You’re single, aren’t you?”
The guy replies sarcastically, “How did you guess?”
The lady answers, “You’re really f*cking ugly.”

What’s 6 inches long and makes women squeal with delight?
… … A $100 bill.
What’s 18 inches long and makes women scream with horror?
… … Crib death.

A driver, trying to get to Des Moines, but lost in rural Iowa, pulled up beside a rundown farmhouse. He got out and knocked at the door. A very old woman answered the door, and he asked her for directions to Des Moines.
“Don’t know,” the woman said.
He got back in his car and pulled away. Then he heard voices. He looked in his rear view mirror and saw the woman and an equally old man, yelling and waving for him to come back. So he made a U-turn and drove up to them.
“This is my husband,” the old woman said. “He doesn’t know how to get to Des Moines either.”

Q:  What’s soft when you go to bed, but hard when you wake up?
A:  Vomit.

As a magician was backing his car out of his driveway, he accidentally ran over his pet rabbit. He got out of the car, and unfortunately, the rabbit was dead. He magician began to cry.
His wife came out of the house, saw the dead rabbit, and said not to worry. She ran inside, and returned with a spray can. She walked over to the dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit.
Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and began hopping across the yard.  A few feet away, the rabbit stopped, waved again, hopped across the yard another few feet, waved, and hopped another few feet…
Astonished, the magician turned to his wife and asked, “What did you spray onto that rabbit?”
She turned the can around so that he could read the label. It said: “‘Hair Spray: Restores Life to Dead Hair, and Adds Permanent Wave.”

A woman rushes home and yells to her husband, “Baby, pack up your things! I just won the lottery!”
Excited, he replies, “Should I pack for warm weather or cold?”
The woman responds, “I don’t care. Just be out of the house by noon!”

A farmer was driving along the road with a load of fertilizer. A little boy, playing in front of his house, saw him and yelled out, “What’ve you got in your truck?”
“Fertilizer,” the farmer replied.
“What are you going to do with it?” asked the little boy.
“Put it on the sweet-corn,” answered the farmer.
“You should live here,” the little boy advised him. “We put butter and salt on ours.”

An woman is angry at the mortician, just before her husband’s funeral. “You have him in a brown suit, but I told you I wanted him in a blue suit!”
The mortician says, “We’ll take care of it, ma’am.” Then, he yells back, “Hey George, switch the heads on numbers five and eight!”

Three guys are hanging out, chatting.  The first guy says, “I have the smallest hand in the world.”  The second guy says, “I have the smallest foot in the world.”  The third guy says, “I have the smallest dick in the world.”
To prove to one another that their claims are accurate, they check the latest Guinness Book of World Records.
The first guy looks up his category and says, “I really DO have the smallest hand in the world!”
The second guy looks at the book and says, “I really DO have the smallest foot in the world!”
The third guy takes the book, studies it for a minute, looks up and says, “Who the hell is Nathan Allen?”

An old man is stopped by the police at 1:30am.  The cop asks where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, “I’m going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body.”
The officer asks, “Really?  Who is giving that lecture at this hour?”
The man replies, “That would be my wife.”

One night, a father overheard his son talking in his sleep… “Bye-bye Grandpa.  Bye-bye Grandpa.  Bye-bye Grandpa…”  The father thought it was strange, but forgot about it.  The next day, the grandfather died.
A couple of months later, the father again overheard his son talking in his sleep.  This time, the son was saying, “Bye-bye Grandma. Bye-bye Grandma. Bye-bye Grandma…”  The next day, the grandmother died.
A few weeks later, the father again overheard his son talking in his sleep… “Bye-bye Father.  Bye-bye Father.  Bye-bye Father…”  This terrified the father.  Worried, the father was very cautious the next day.  He avoided rush-hour traffic by driving to work at 5am, stayed at the office through lunch and dinner, and didn’t go home until after midnight.  He was alive!
When he got home, he apologized to his wife, “I’m sorry, Honey.  I have had a very bad day.”
She yelled, “You think YOU’ve had a bad day?!  YOU THINK YOU’VE HAD A BAD DAY?!  The mailman dropped dead on the porch this morning!”

Two neighbors are talking and one says, “Did you hear that John, our neighbor across the street, got arrested last night for blowing chunks in his driveway?”
The other man says, “He got arrested for blowing chunks?  That’s a little extreme, isn’t it?”
“You don’t understand,” the first man replied, “Chunks… is his dog.”

A guy with a gigantic orange head goes in to see a doctor.
The doctor says, “Jeez!  How did you get such a gigantic orange head?”
The guy says, “Well, one day I was walking down the beach when I found an old lantern, and a genie came out.  He said he would grant me three wishes.
For my first wish, I wished for all the money I could ever spend, and it came true.
For my second wish, I wished for a beautiful woman who would love me, and IT came true, too.
For my third wish… And this is where I think things started to go wrong… I wished for a gigantic orange head.”

A bar walks into a man…
Wait.  That’s not right.
Never mind.

A magician is sitting naked in the sauna of his local health club, with another guy. The guy asks the magician to show him a trick.
The magician tells the man to bend over and says, “Can you feel my thumb?” The guy says, “Yes.”
The magician reaches forward and shows the guy both of his hands. “Taadaa! No hands!”

Dave walks into a bar and says, “Bartender, give me two shots. One for me and one for my little buddy.”
The bartender says, “You want both drinks now or do you want me to wait until your buddy arrives to pour his?”
Dave says, “Oh, I’ve got my little buddy in my pocket here.” With that he pulls out a little 3-inch man from his pocket.
“That’s amazing,” says the bartender. “Can he walk?”
Dave flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, “Hey Al, go get that quarter!” The little guy runs down to the end of the bar, picks up the quarter, and brings it back.
The bartender is totally amazed. “What else can he do? Does he talk?”
Dave looks up at the bartender, “Talk? Sure he talks. Hey Al, tell him about that time we were in down in Africa on safari and you insulted that witch doctor!”

Q: What’s the difference between erotic and kinky?
A: Erotic = using a feather…  Kinky = using the whole damn bird.

A 2nd-grader is going to be in the school play.  The teacher only gave him one line because he tends to get stage fright, be very nervous, and forget his lines.
The one line he gets to say is, “Hark, I hear a cannon roar”, and he has to say it when he hears the loud cannon sound-effect during the play.
He practices his one line over and over again.  “Hark, I hear a cannon roar…  Hark, I hear a cannon roar…  Hark, I hear a cannon roar…”
The night of the play, he nervously comes onstage at the right time, and waits for the cue to say his line, working up a nervous sweat.
His cue is getting closer… then the loud boom of the cannon echoes through the theater, and the kid jumps and says, “What the f*ck was that?!”

A man walks into a bar, orders 12 shots, and quickly drinks all of them, one right after another.
The bartender, flabbergasted and concerned, asks, “Why did you drink those so fast?”
“You would drink fast, too, if you had what I have,” the man replies.
The bartender says, “What do you have?”
“Two dollars.”

An old guy goes to the pharmacy to pick up some Viagra.  He asks the pharmacist, “Can you chop each pill into four pieces  for me?”
“I can,” replies the pharmacist, “but only 25% of the pill won’t be very effective for sex.”
“Oh, I don’t need the Viagra for sex,” says the old man.  “I just want it to stick out far enough so I stop pissing on my slippers.”

At the  National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.
The painting depicted 3 black men, totally naked, sitting on a bench.  Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.
The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment.
He went on and on, for half an hour, explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society. “In  fact,” he pointed out, “Some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.”
After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and asked, “Would you like to know what the painting is really about?”
“Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?” asked the couple.
“Because I am  the artist.  I painted the picture,” he replied. “In fact, there are no African-Americans depicted at all. They’re just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.”

Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish.
The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home.
The second guy wishes the same.
The third guy says “I’m lonely. I wish my friends were here.”

Q:  Three women walk out of an ice-cream parlor carrying ice cream cones.  The first is biting her ice-cream cone, the second is licking, and the third is sucking.  Which one of the three is married?
A:  The one wearing the wedding ring, you pervert.

A man and his date were parked at a scenic overlook, some distance from town, in the back seat. Things were starting to really heat up, but then the girl stopped.
“I really should have mentioned this earlier,” she said, “But I’m actually a hooker and I charge $50 for sex.”
The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.
Afterwards, the man just sat in the driver’s seat, staring out the window, in an uncomfortable silence.
“Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asked the girl.
“Well, I should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $50…”

A juggler is sent to hell for his sins. As Satan is giving him the grand tour, he sees a magician doing card tricks for a couple of beautiful woman.
“What a rip-off,” the juggler muttered. “That magician gets to spend his time doing card tricks for beautiful women!”
Jabbing the juggler with his pitchfork, Satan snarled: “Who are you to question these women’s punishment?”

Q:  What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A:  A fsh.

For several years, a magician had been working on a cruise ship with his pet parrot. The parrot had seen the magician’s act hundreds of times and knew how the tricks worked.
During the shows, the smartass parrot would always ruin his act by saying things like, “It’s up his sleeve,” or “It’s in his pocket.”
One day the ship sank and the magician and the parrot found themselves alone on a lifeboat. For a couple of days, they just floated around in silence.
Finally, the parrot broke the silence and said, “Okay, I give up. Where the hell did you hide the ship?”

A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The priest said, “We have new special requirements for new parishioners.  You must abstain from having sex for two weeks before you can join.”  The couple agreed.
Two weeks later they came back.  The priest asked, “Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?”
“No Father, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks,” the young man replied sadly.
“What happened?” asked the priest.
“The other morning, my wife was bending over, reaching for a box of cereal on the bottom shelf, and I was overcome with lust we made love right then and there.”
“You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church,”  said the priest.
“We know,” said the young man, “we’re not welcome at the grocery store either.”

A cute little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest little voice, “Excuthe me, mithter, do you have widdle fuwwy wabbits?”
The shopkeeper smiles, and he gets down on his knees, and asks, “Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe a cute widdle bwown wabby?”
She blushes, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, “I don’t fink my pet python weally givth a thit.”

A guy enters a bar carrying an alligator, and says to the patrons, “Here’s a deal. I’ll open this alligator’s mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I’ll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks.”
The crowd agrees. The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator’s mouth. The gator closes its mouth. After a minute, the guy slaps the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and the man removes his genitals – unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks.
Then he asks, “Does anyone else want to try it?”
Across the room, a woman’s hand goes up.  “I’ll give it a try,” she says, “but you have to promise not to slap the top of my head.”

A magician asks for a volunteer to come up and help him with a trick. A gentleman walks up onstage, and the magician hands him a heavy brick and says, “I want you to throw this brick at my head, as hard as you can.”
Looking a little nervous, the volunteer says “Are you sure?”
The magician nods and says “Don’t worry, I’m a professional.”
“Ok…” says the volunteer, who then throws the brick at the magician’s head.
Five years later, in a hospital room, the magician wakes up from his coma and says “Tada!!”

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center.
The hypnotist exclaimed, “I will hypnotize each and every one of you!”
With great care, the hypnotist removed a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat and said, “Keep your eyes on this watch.  It’s a very special watch.  It has been in my family for six generations.”
He held the watch up by its chain, and began to gently swing it back and forth.  Within seconds, nearly everybody in the room was hypnotized by the swinging watch.
Suddenly, the watch accidentally slipped from the hypnotist’s fingers, fell to the floor, and broke into dozens of pieces.
“SHIT!” said the hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the Senior Center.